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Building my Community

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I’ve come to the realization that I’ve been living in the Bay Area for more then 11 years. Two of these years I’ve been living as an empty nester. During this time I have not built a community around me. I’ve made friends- have friends in the area- but I’m not part of a community.

For a single parent empty nester having a strong social community is vital. I know this.

Somehow, over the years, I’ve been fighting “to belong” somewhere.

What do I mean exactly? I’ve swooped in and swooped out but haven’t had the chance to really establish myself anywhere. Most of it is because of my work (and before 2015 I was very focused on my daughters). I’ve traveled frequently and never had the chance to “be present”. My calendar has always been crazy- never really here, never really around.

Other then work I think there’s a psychological reason also. Even though I yearn for connection and community, I embrace not being “tied down” and avoid deeper connections and commitment. I like the “jet-setter” image of myself.

What am I afraid of? Rejection? Exposing myself? Becoming vulnerable?

Being embraced? Having more friends?

This all doesn’t make sense because “belonging” is what I what ultimately strive for. To have deeper connections, belong to a community, play a role in a community, have support from a community, and give back to a community.

So, clearly, I’m living a life that is counterproductive to what I actually want in life. What can I do? Change.

First, change my attitude- my perception of my life. Assess what I value most, and strive to reach the goals that feed my values.

I value personal relationships the most. Therefore I must direct my energies towards them.

Participate. Be consistent. Focus locally.

I need to be present.

I have a lot of work to do with myself.

And eventually I’ll belong to a community.

A year has gone by…

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A year has gone by and I’ve left my page empty. I have no real reason. Maybe because I was “too busy” or trying to “put myself out there”. Definitely not because I didn’t have anything to say. And really, the first two reasons aren’t true. I’ve been busy but not “too” busy and I have tried to put myself out there but my attempts have been pretty weak.

This blog is for those single parent empty nesters who are dealing with this life stage, when their kid or kids leave the house, and they’re on their own- by themselves.

To be honest I’m not an empty nester right now. My older one graduated from college and is living at home while she’s looking for a job but the day will come when my nest will be empty again.

It’s definitely time to assess whether I have made any progress in the past two years in embracing my life in my empty nest.  I guess, it depends on what you believe progress to be .  Let’s take a look at some areas of my life that I wanted to expand as a single empty nester.

>Take on a hobby. I’m still trying to find “the hobby” with which I can passionately spend my time with and not think of how “alone” I am. Writing, I must say, is one hobby. From January to the end of May I was working on a book chapter about the health of single parents (I can expand on what I wrote at another time). So, I’ve made some progress in the hobby arena, but still need to be more focused on finding other hobbies, be more dedicated to them, and be less pre-occupied with experiencing the deep and painful loneliness that sometimes prevails.

> Figure out what I’m passionate about. I have a lot of things I’m passionate about but I’ve not found the right cause or organization that I would get very excited about, would really dive deep into, and spend many hours helping others. Progress? Minimal.

>Go out and meet new people. Another passion or hobby of mine, is hiking. So I’ve been to a few Meetups where I will go hiking with random unknown people. I’ve met at least one lady who I like a lot and would be a great hiking partner. It’s just that we never have a chance to hike together (there’s always one of us who is busy). I have to go to other groups with other interests because I do have to meet people. Which I won’t do, if I just sit at home. So I’ve been minimally successful in this arena.

>Tried to go on a few dates. Wow! Not an easy task. I’ll spend a lot of time on dating as a 40 something in this blog but to set the stage. I was not successful. But I also have not been dedicated enough to this project. I gave up. I know I have to get that started again. So, some progress, but clearly no results.

>Don’t work in the evenings. There were a few months where I found myself working in the evenings and quickly realized that this is not going to be a good strategy for my life. It’s not what I want. I’ve never been the type of person who lives to work. I work to live. So I’ve stopped working in the evenings (of course things have gotten less intense at the office so that also helps) and try to do other things (like pay medical bills, etc. which is also not fun). I have to go out more and do fun things.

I think right now this is a comprehensive enough list to show you how one can get off track, due to work, life circumstances (e.g. my brother got sick and that took up a lot of mental and emotional energy), emotional resilience, etc. The important thing is to catch yourself when you’re not making progress, revisit your plan, change course if you need to, and make sure that you’re doing everything in your power to enrich your life (and others’).

And give yourself a pat on the back for what you’ve achieved!  Life change takes a long time and you can only do it in small steps anyways!

That’s how being a single empty nester will be fulfilling and your life will become more whole. You, and only you, can shape it that way. I’ll share with you the journey that I’m going on and hopefully that will help you with your journey. Even though I don’t know you, we can work on this together and support each other!

Cheers!

Live my Life

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I’ve come to a realization that when you’re a single parent you are constantly walking on a tight rope. You juggle between your kids and yourself. And, at least in my case, your kids win the tug-of-war.

That’s exactly how I wanted it to be and have no regrets, but I also lost something that is hard to get back right now. My life.

When I became pregnant with my first daughter (and I was still married then) I made a very strong decision that my child (then children) will be my number one priority. (This evolved from my turbulent first 27 years of my life- but I’m not going to get into that story because it would be a total side-bar) When my husband left me, this resolution became even stronger- I felt I had to fill the void their father left and be double strong, a double-parent. And I think I succeeded pretty well- not perfectly- but that can never be the goal of parenthood.

I’ve had several boyfriends in the past 16 years (since I’ve been a single parent) so it’s not like I’ve sacrificed everything for my girls. But once my last relationship ended more than five years ago I resolved to stop the rollercoaster and not expose my girls to my obviously unsuccessful and turbulent private life and just concentrate on chaperoning them into adulthood.

I didn’t go on dates, didn’t try to make new friends, or build a social circle- I just focused on my girls. And of course I loved it- they loved it too (I hope). I was happy and content.

I always waited to see what they decide to do and be ready to fit into their life when they needed me. I was always on call- ready to be available if they wanted to talk or do something. I also did not try to figure out what to do when they had their own things to do. I just “sat and waited” and was “always there when needed”.

I have to emphasize, over and over again, that I don’t regret this. This is how I wanted it.

One of my daughters was in a difficult place in her late teen-age years. She has an eating disorder (fairly well in control now) that required a lot of focus and energy. My other daughter was the kind who would stay in her room and watch Netflix a lot but if she wanted to communicate or hang- I had to be there. I think that this flexibility on my part really created a very strong mother-daughter relationship in nurturing and safe environment- and allowed them to blossom.

BUT now they’re gone. Living their own life, which I’m extremely happy about.

It did leave me in a situation though where I’ve totally destroyed my “own life”. This destruction really started with having a boyfriend for the three years prior to these five years and building a life with him and juggling between him and the girls. So if I calculate this correctly then more than eight years passed…

So no wonder this is difficult……

I’m not overly anxious about it but the loneliness and lack of social network is very tangible and I feel it laying heavily on my skin…

I’m trying (still not energetically enough) to build my life, fill the void. Since I’m in a new environment (not where I lived and built my life for 20 years) it’s even more difficult….but I’m hoping to make progress soon.

Start dating…

Go to “meetups”….

Join interest groups……

(One thing I swear I’ll never do is join one of those Pokemon GO groups I see congregating on the fields near my house..)

Put myself out there…..

Do what I would do if I’ve moved to a new place all by myself….

 

I’ll be patient…

It will take time…..

Watch the Sun Set and Breathe

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My second week as an empty nester.

I do get sad sometimes. It really comes in waves. For example, when I was flying home from a business trip it really hit me hard that once I get home the house will be empty. No hugs and kisses waiting for me at the door.

But I’m also trying to look at the bright side of things.

One; now there is no real reason for me to hurry home.

And I’m not only talking about getting home from work (I do try to hurry home just to get out of the office).

I don’t even have to hurry home from my walk on the beach. I can take a nice, relaxing walk, enjoy the murmur of the waves, feel the breeze on my face, sit and watch the sun set….

I smile. I feel good. And it’s OK. I have every right to.

Just because I’m an empty nester doesn’t mean that I have to be sad and suffer constantly from being alone. I can actually enjoy this.

I was reading one empty nester newby’s Facebook posts. She seems to fly down to LA to see her son almost every two weeks.

Aren’t we supposed to get a life? A life of our own? Haven’t we spent the last 18-20 years hurrying home just to be with them and care for them? I swear, that was the best chapter of my life so far. I love(d) being with them and spending time with them….

But it’s also nice to finally start living for myself.

And believe me, it doesn’t minimize my love and devotion to my kids if I finally start enjoying my life.

Tip of the Day (or week or month; depending how often I come up with a tip): Watch the Sun Set and Breathe……

Distance

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Distance. You’re used to having your children near you, with you, around you, surrounding you.

Then the day comes when they move out and you’re faced with: distance.

My older daughter, Anna, has moved to LA. She started a summer session at college to get familiar with her new surroundings and new life.

We live in San Francisco.

Clearly, we are experiencing the distance. 361 miles to be exact (according to Google Maps). This distance doesn’t seem to be too difficult to overcome. You can drive down, or fly down quite easily. It’s a 5 and a half hour drive or a quick flight; only one hour from SFO to LAX.

I’m a single mother working full time. I have a younger daughter, Klara, who is still living at home (until she moves to college in a couple of days).

When I get a phone call from my older daughter that she is not feeling well, has right sided muscle weakness and decreased sensation in her limbs, I’m faced with the dilemma: do I rush down to LA to be by her side or do I wait by the phone, while she’s in the ER for 12 hours, and pray to God that she will not be diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis or a brain tumor?

I decide to stay and wait to see what the doctors say. If they find something serious then I’ll hop on a plane, leave my younger one to fend for herself, and go take care of Anna.

Of course, I think to myself that IF their father would be living with us, we could divide and conquer. One of us could stay with Klara, and the other could go down and make sure that Anna is OK.

But I have two daughters, one who is preparing to leave home, and one who is far from home ill and in the ER. And I’m by myself.

I can’t be in two places at the same time (wouldn’t it be wonderful to instantaneously teleport, ie. apparate, from one place to another, like in the Harry Potter books? Why can’t technology solve these mundane needs?).

My daughters have learned that things cannot always be taken care of as easily as if they would have two parents living at home. The logistics of solving a situation are much more complicated and difficult; for me and also for them.

It’s a huge step for Anna, who has to sit alone for 12 hours in the ER (although luckily her friend stays with her for the first 3 hours). She has to talk to the doctors, figure out the system, get a cab home. For her this is an enormous step towards experiencing adulthood and independence. And the distance. My heart bleeds for her, my anxieties are intense; but I can’t overcome the distance.

Distance: from her mother, comfort, safety, and a big hug telling her that everything will be OK.

p.s. For those of you who are worried: the brain scan is negative! They let her go home at 3 am in the morning. She’ll see a doctor tomorrow for further evaluation but what I feared the most, a lesion or bleeding in her brain, was not found. Thank God!

My first thoughts on becoming an empty nester as a single parent

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Today is the first day of school in our school district for kids K-12. As I was walking to the bus stop in the morning to go to work, a mother was walking her daughter to school, maybe for the first time. It suddenly occurred to me, that for our family, this is the first time neither of my daughters start school today.

Both of them are going to college in a few weeks. I am becoming an “empty nester”. A word often just as ominous for mothers and fathers as the word “menopause” is for most women over forty-five. Until… you accept the fact that this is the new and natural chapter in your book of Life.

In my mind becoming an empty nester is difficult when you’re happily married, a bit more difficult when you’re unhappily married, and may be the most difficult when you are a single parent. I’m assuming that the emotional turbulence that any parent goes through- whether with or without partner- is similar in magnitude (unless you’ve created a monster and can hardly wait to get rid of your beloved kid). One moment you feel depressed, anxious, even scared of what the future brings, what you’ll do with your life, how you’ll spend your free time. In another moment you realize that FINALLY you get to live your own life, do what you want, focus on a hobby, exercise more, etc.

The missing piece is being able to share the “empty nest” experience with the person you’ve created your family with.

The other night my girls and I were watching the episode in Modern Family where Phil and Claire Dunphey take Haley, their oldest daughter, to college and move her into the dorm. There’s a scene when the three of them say their good-byes and the parents sit in the car in silence while driving home.

This is the moment I’m dreading. While they have each other for comfort (and two more kids waiting at home). They can give each other’s hand a squeeze, talk about their feelings, or just sit together in silence and contemplate how the new chapter of their lives will evolve. In contrast, I’ll be sitting in my car or on the plane going home after dropping the girls at college and experiencing the emptiness that is left behind – alone.

Alone is the key word here. I’m a veteran lone parent; I’ve been raising my daughters without their father for fifteen years. I’m used to managing my family, myself, and my emotions – alone. In retrospect it’s easy when your life is full of chatter, drama, laughter, and tears. You go with the flow and sometimes think how great it would be to share these moments with their father but only when it becomes silent, when they fly out of the nest, will I be facing reality. That I’m alone.

The empty nest is the new phase. The noise of the chaos and emotional roller coaster of our everyday lives becomes silent.

I will initially be sharing my steps taken throughout this journey; how I experience these moments and how I adjust my life and embrace the new chapter I was luckily given. Because being an empty nester also means that you’ve succeeded, that you’ve had a child or children in your life, raised them to your best capabilities, and are able to let them go to fly free. And letting them go is key!