empty nester

Embrace it and enjoy!

/ csillac / Leave a comment

Labor Day weekend I went up to the mountains with some friends. We’ve spent most Labor Days together in the past ten years. They are all married couples with kids still at home. I’ve been the only one single and bringing her kids to these vacations. And now I joined them alone, without my girls (remember, I’m officially a single empty nester).

At first I didn’t know whether this situation would be awkward or not. Being single with kids is one thing. Joining a family outing alone without the kids is another.

AND…I had fun. They didn’t make me feel “different”. I pitched my tent, shared my food, went hiking, swimming, and kayaking with them as a “full” member of the group.   It was an absolutely fantastic weekend.

It was a great learning. Feeling different as a single parent without having my kids around is all in my head. Sure, people don’t hang out with you like they would with couples (let’s be honest, couples like hanging out with couples). Embracing who you are- where you’re at in life- is much more important than wallowing (as my older one put it) in the situation of being single and an empty nester.

Note: I mistakenly wrote “nexter”; maybe that’s a terminology we should use. We’ve completed a chapter in our lives and now we can say “NEXT”  🙂

Embrace where you are currently in life and enjoy it! Have fun!

 

 

Ughhh…..

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Ughhh…..

I hate it! I hate online dating!

This is not what I signed up for when I got married and had babies. I had a dream of getting old with someone and instead, here I am, alone, trying to find “Mr. Right”. Again.

Tinder, Bumble, Match, eHarmony, OK Cupid; I hate all of these sites. But then what else do I do, if not try to find “him” online? Go to a bar and sit around and wait? I don’t drink that much; I don’t want to drink that much!

I’ve signed up for Meetups….maybe “He” will be at one of the events.

It’s all frustrating…… and annoying,….. and embarrassing. It seems like everyone has a partner but me (I know this isn’t true but still).

So what should I do? Join Match again? Or eHarmony? Beef up my profile? Try to be more sexy?  Be less picky?

Then there are days when I’m like “I’m fine, I don’t need anyone”. Oh, yes I do! I would love to spend my time with a special person; go to the movies, a concert, go out to eat. Or just come home and slump on to the sofa, make-out, and tell “him” about my day……..

Man, it sucks to be a single parent+ empty nester….

I promise I’ll be more positive and constructive next time!

Ciao!

Growing pains

/ csillac / Leave a comment

I felt really guilty this morning….. I wasn’t proud of my behavior last night.

To give some context….I haven’t been sleeping well…..so I’m tired. But I had a decent day at work, my mood was fine. I got home and my older daughter (who is now living at home again) was cooking dinner (salad and sweet potato fries!) and her boyfriend was sprawled on the couch, drinking a beer, and watching “Game of Thrones”; the TV was blaring loudly.

I went in to the kitchen/family room; kinda putzing around but couldn’t really find my space. The TV was too loud; I couldn’t sit down on the couch; I couldn’t start the washing machine (which had my wet muddy clothes in it for more than 24 hours and I really wanted to get that thing going); ..…. and I just tensed up.

I went up to my daughter and told her that we have to discuss and create a plan on how we live together. Boyfriend and all. I need my space, especially when I get home. They also need their space, obviously. The TV is in the middle of the house; it’s two of them; there’s one of me.  I don’t have a real reason that I can use for them to give me my space. It’s difficult to explain all what I feel to her and leaves me angry, confused, and in emotional chaos.

Because I really want them to feel at home…… but I also want to feel comfortable and relaxed at home.

And of course my daughter and I got into an argument that ruined the whole evening. Which none of us needed.

So this got me thinking about the different topics that are swirling around in this one small incident. Communication. Boundaries. Personalities. Adult daughter in a relationship. Lone parent. Habit. Space. I won’t address all of them today….. I promise.

Lone Parent. Empty Nest. Habit. Space. All four of these concepts have a mutual thread. You’re a single parent, living alone once the kids are out of the house. You don’t have to conform to anyone anymore (except when the kids are home; and let’s be honest, you are really DYING to have them home because you love them and miss them…… but you’ve also gotten into your own ways by now). When you put something somewhere, it stays there, until you move it. When you get home from work, you can sit in the quiet, go for a run, or really do whatever you wish to do. Eat alone while reading a magazine. And when you’re kids are home this all changes, stuff gets used and left in another place, the TV is blaring when you get home from work, and you are more than likely going to eat something you weren’t planning to at a time that may not be the most convenient for you. But here’s the learning from this. Keeping your flexibility and tolerance. Enjoy the time when there’s quiet and order but also thrive when you have no control over the moving objects and how you’re evening is being spent. Stay nimble.

First of all, you want your kids to want to be home with you, and second, this is great practice for the time when you meet someone special and share a life with them practicing love, flexibility, and tolerance.

And just to mention something else…. Learn to communicate.  It’s okay to set some boundaries. You don’t have to be flexible and tolerant to the point that they trample all over you. You have the right to your place and space. Your needs and habits. And you can share your life with your loved ones with mutual respect, understanding and love……

Time to be “Selfish”

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A year has passed.

The house is empty again; my older one went back to college; the younger is studying abroad.

Quiet moves in. Counters stay clean; stuff gets put away and stays there.

And the silence stays.

I’ve made some changes, which are good and pointing in the right direction.

Until now I’ve been living a life for my daughters. I am still committed to them 100% (and more) but I have also found the strong desire to live for myself. Start living my own life.

Which sounds a bit selfish. But I’ve never been selfish. And if I think about it more, being a tad bit selfish after 22 years is OKAY!

As a first step, I’ve moved back to the master bedroom.

One day I was lying on my bed (in the small dinky room) thinking; and realized that it’s time to become an adult again; have the large spacious room with the connected bathroom. There’s no reason for me to be in the small dark room that was my older daughter’s during high school and which I traded out with her to make her feel better when she stayed home and didn’t move away from college as a Freshman. But now she has her own apartment in LA, has a boyfriend, is doing extremely well…. So there’s no reason for me to stay in that room.

So we’ve made the move and it feels GREAT! I actually didn’t think how great it would feel. I feel liberated, grown up, ready for any adventure that comes my way! YAY!

(If you think about it, I may, just may one day, bring someone home and it would be weird to go into a small cramped bedroom, instead of the “adult” room”)

My second step, and this is kind of embarrassing, I put together a “weekly plan” for myself. Otherwise, I will always procrastinate and not start doing the things I plan and would love to do as a single empty nester parent.

So I’ve created a table and started plugging in what I will be doing….Things will change of course and there’s great flexibility in the table (you can always delete, copy, paste, etc.)

Example (just a start; still under construction):

  M T W T F S S
Early

AM

 Run Run OR Run Run OR Run
AM Write in coffee shop OR Write in coffee shop
All-Day Hiking OR Cycling OR Hiking OR

Cycling OR

Volunteer (min. 1x/ month)
Early PM
PM Yoga (6:15-7:30) Dance Friends/

Date?

 Friends/

Date?
Before Bed Stretch & Meditate (10’)

And there will be other steps.

Like, continuing to figure out what things I want to do outside of work. I really would like to create a life that enables me to meet new people and experience new things.

To be continued……soon.

Sounds of Silence

/ csillac / Leave a comment

The house is empty. I guess I’m officially an “empty-nester”. A single-parent empty-nester (or as my typo would say: empty-nexter)

Both my girls are in college now. A chapter of my life has concluded- with a new one beginning.

The house is silent. I’m surrounded by silence. The chatter, the occasional screaming and yelling filling the four walls, will be missing. This is the moment that I’ve been dreading.

But at the same time I’m also relieved and proud. I’ve worked very hard as a single parent to get to this point in our lives. I’m extremely lucky to see my daughters become successful independent women, attend great colleges, start off on their own, and learn the ropes of life.

And I know that the phone will ring most days and my daughters and I will talk, see each other on Skype, or send a flurry of texts. But the intimacy that we’re used to, the hugs and kisses that we usually share, will only be left for the special occasions- when they come home for a break or I go visit them.

At my younger one’s parent orientation I felt like the oddball. When I looked around in the auditorium it seemed to me that the parents were there as a couple. Very similar to when you go to a party by yourself and everyone else is there with their partner. I guess the “normal” way of dropping of your kid is going there- both Mom and Dad- and then leaving; giving each other comfort as you drive (or fly) away from your child who you won’t see for a long time.

I must confess I was disturbed by being there alone- even though I’m used to it. I’m usually alone.

Dropping my daughters off at college is exactly the moment I didn’t want to experience by myself. I would’ve liked to experience it with their father. I know that this is not possible. I know this; and if I think about it long and hard I don’t really want to share the moment with him anymore; after all we’ve been through. Still; it would’ve been nice if that’s how life would have happened.

I feel numb now. I dropped my younger one off last week but my older one was still with me. I was sad; and of course I cried. But my older one was with me. Now I’ve dropped her off too; and there is no one with me. I’m alone.

I get home; get out of the cab; open my front door and my home is silent; as expected.

I put on some music on, pour a glass of wine, and light a candle.

And start the new chapter of my life.

Both scary and exciting at the same time!