Month: August 2017

Ughhh…..

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Ughhh…..

I hate it! I hate online dating!

This is not what I signed up for when I got married and had babies. I had a dream of getting old with someone and instead, here I am, alone, trying to find “Mr. Right”. Again.

Tinder, Bumble, Match, eHarmony, OK Cupid; I hate all of these sites. But then what else do I do, if not try to find “him” online? Go to a bar and sit around and wait? I don’t drink that much; I don’t want to drink that much!

I’ve signed up for Meetups….maybe “He” will be at one of the events.

It’s all frustrating…… and annoying,….. and embarrassing. It seems like everyone has a partner but me (I know this isn’t true but still).

So what should I do? Join Match again? Or eHarmony? Beef up my profile? Try to be more sexy?  Be less picky?

Then there are days when I’m like “I’m fine, I don’t need anyone”. Oh, yes I do! I would love to spend my time with a special person; go to the movies, a concert, go out to eat. Or just come home and slump on to the sofa, make-out, and tell “him” about my day……..

Man, it sucks to be a single parent+ empty nester….

I promise I’ll be more positive and constructive next time!

Ciao!

Growing pains

/ csillac / Leave a comment

I felt really guilty this morning….. I wasn’t proud of my behavior last night.

To give some context….I haven’t been sleeping well…..so I’m tired. But I had a decent day at work, my mood was fine. I got home and my older daughter (who is now living at home again) was cooking dinner (salad and sweet potato fries!) and her boyfriend was sprawled on the couch, drinking a beer, and watching “Game of Thrones”; the TV was blaring loudly.

I went in to the kitchen/family room; kinda putzing around but couldn’t really find my space. The TV was too loud; I couldn’t sit down on the couch; I couldn’t start the washing machine (which had my wet muddy clothes in it for more than 24 hours and I really wanted to get that thing going); ..…. and I just tensed up.

I went up to my daughter and told her that we have to discuss and create a plan on how we live together. Boyfriend and all. I need my space, especially when I get home. They also need their space, obviously. The TV is in the middle of the house; it’s two of them; there’s one of me.  I don’t have a real reason that I can use for them to give me my space. It’s difficult to explain all what I feel to her and leaves me angry, confused, and in emotional chaos.

Because I really want them to feel at home…… but I also want to feel comfortable and relaxed at home.

And of course my daughter and I got into an argument that ruined the whole evening. Which none of us needed.

So this got me thinking about the different topics that are swirling around in this one small incident. Communication. Boundaries. Personalities. Adult daughter in a relationship. Lone parent. Habit. Space. I won’t address all of them today….. I promise.

Lone Parent. Empty Nest. Habit. Space. All four of these concepts have a mutual thread. You’re a single parent, living alone once the kids are out of the house. You don’t have to conform to anyone anymore (except when the kids are home; and let’s be honest, you are really DYING to have them home because you love them and miss them…… but you’ve also gotten into your own ways by now). When you put something somewhere, it stays there, until you move it. When you get home from work, you can sit in the quiet, go for a run, or really do whatever you wish to do. Eat alone while reading a magazine. And when you’re kids are home this all changes, stuff gets used and left in another place, the TV is blaring when you get home from work, and you are more than likely going to eat something you weren’t planning to at a time that may not be the most convenient for you. But here’s the learning from this. Keeping your flexibility and tolerance. Enjoy the time when there’s quiet and order but also thrive when you have no control over the moving objects and how you’re evening is being spent. Stay nimble.

First of all, you want your kids to want to be home with you, and second, this is great practice for the time when you meet someone special and share a life with them practicing love, flexibility, and tolerance.

And just to mention something else…. Learn to communicate.  It’s okay to set some boundaries. You don’t have to be flexible and tolerant to the point that they trample all over you. You have the right to your place and space. Your needs and habits. And you can share your life with your loved ones with mutual respect, understanding and love……

A year has gone by…

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A year has gone by and I’ve left my page empty. I have no real reason. Maybe because I was “too busy” or trying to “put myself out there”. Definitely not because I didn’t have anything to say. And really, the first two reasons aren’t true. I’ve been busy but not “too” busy and I have tried to put myself out there but my attempts have been pretty weak.

This blog is for those single parent empty nesters who are dealing with this life stage, when their kid or kids leave the house, and they’re on their own- by themselves.

To be honest I’m not an empty nester right now. My older one graduated from college and is living at home while she’s looking for a job but the day will come when my nest will be empty again.

It’s definitely time to assess whether I have made any progress in the past two years in embracing my life in my empty nest.  I guess, it depends on what you believe progress to be .  Let’s take a look at some areas of my life that I wanted to expand as a single empty nester.

>Take on a hobby. I’m still trying to find “the hobby” with which I can passionately spend my time with and not think of how “alone” I am. Writing, I must say, is one hobby. From January to the end of May I was working on a book chapter about the health of single parents (I can expand on what I wrote at another time). So, I’ve made some progress in the hobby arena, but still need to be more focused on finding other hobbies, be more dedicated to them, and be less pre-occupied with experiencing the deep and painful loneliness that sometimes prevails.

> Figure out what I’m passionate about. I have a lot of things I’m passionate about but I’ve not found the right cause or organization that I would get very excited about, would really dive deep into, and spend many hours helping others. Progress? Minimal.

>Go out and meet new people. Another passion or hobby of mine, is hiking. So I’ve been to a few Meetups where I will go hiking with random unknown people. I’ve met at least one lady who I like a lot and would be a great hiking partner. It’s just that we never have a chance to hike together (there’s always one of us who is busy). I have to go to other groups with other interests because I do have to meet people. Which I won’t do, if I just sit at home. So I’ve been minimally successful in this arena.

>Tried to go on a few dates. Wow! Not an easy task. I’ll spend a lot of time on dating as a 40 something in this blog but to set the stage. I was not successful. But I also have not been dedicated enough to this project. I gave up. I know I have to get that started again. So, some progress, but clearly no results.

>Don’t work in the evenings. There were a few months where I found myself working in the evenings and quickly realized that this is not going to be a good strategy for my life. It’s not what I want. I’ve never been the type of person who lives to work. I work to live. So I’ve stopped working in the evenings (of course things have gotten less intense at the office so that also helps) and try to do other things (like pay medical bills, etc. which is also not fun). I have to go out more and do fun things.

I think right now this is a comprehensive enough list to show you how one can get off track, due to work, life circumstances (e.g. my brother got sick and that took up a lot of mental and emotional energy), emotional resilience, etc. The important thing is to catch yourself when you’re not making progress, revisit your plan, change course if you need to, and make sure that you’re doing everything in your power to enrich your life (and others’).

And give yourself a pat on the back for what you’ve achieved!  Life change takes a long time and you can only do it in small steps anyways!

That’s how being a single empty nester will be fulfilling and your life will become more whole. You, and only you, can shape it that way. I’ll share with you the journey that I’m going on and hopefully that will help you with your journey. Even though I don’t know you, we can work on this together and support each other!

Cheers!