I’ve come to a realization that when you’re a single parent you are constantly walking on a tight rope. You juggle between your kids and yourself. And, at least in my case, your kids win the tug-of-war.

That’s exactly how I wanted it to be and have no regrets, but I also lost something that is hard to get back right now. My life.

When I became pregnant with my first daughter (and I was still married then) I made a very strong decision that my child (then children) will be my number one priority. (This evolved from my turbulent first 27 years of my life- but I’m not going to get into that story because it would be a total side-bar) When my husband left me, this resolution became even stronger- I felt I had to fill the void their father left and be double strong, a double-parent. And I think I succeeded pretty well- not perfectly- but that can never be the goal of parenthood.

I’ve had several boyfriends in the past 16 years (since I’ve been a single parent) so it’s not like I’ve sacrificed everything for my girls. But once my last relationship ended more than five years ago I resolved to stop the rollercoaster and not expose my girls to my obviously unsuccessful and turbulent private life and just concentrate on chaperoning them into adulthood.

I didn’t go on dates, didn’t try to make new friends, or build a social circle- I just focused on my girls. And of course I loved it- they loved it too (I hope). I was happy and content.

I always waited to see what they decide to do and be ready to fit into their life when they needed me. I was always on call- ready to be available if they wanted to talk or do something. I also did not try to figure out what to do when they had their own things to do. I just “sat and waited” and was “always there when needed”.

I have to emphasize, over and over again, that I don’t regret this. This is how I wanted it.

One of my daughters was in a difficult place in her late teen-age years. She has an eating disorder (fairly well in control now) that required a lot of focus and energy. My other daughter was the kind who would stay in her room and watch Netflix a lot but if she wanted to communicate or hang- I had to be there. I think that this flexibility on my part really created a very strong mother-daughter relationship in nurturing and safe environment- and allowed them to blossom.

BUT now they’re gone. Living their own life, which I’m extremely happy about.

It did leave me in a situation though where I’ve totally destroyed my “own life”. This destruction really started with having a boyfriend for the three years prior to these five years and building a life with him and juggling between him and the girls. So if I calculate this correctly then more than eight years passed…

So no wonder this is difficult……

I’m not overly anxious about it but the loneliness and lack of social network is very tangible and I feel it laying heavily on my skin…

I’m trying (still not energetically enough) to build my life, fill the void. Since I’m in a new environment (not where I lived and built my life for 20 years) it’s even more difficult….but I’m hoping to make progress soon.

Start dating…

Go to “meetups”….

Join interest groups……

(One thing I swear I’ll never do is join one of those Pokemon GO groups I see congregating on the fields near my house..)

Put myself out there…..

Do what I would do if I’ve moved to a new place all by myself….

 

I’ll be patient…

It will take time…..